Home, Home on the Range

While I'm still struggling to get my parents' estates settled, I hope I'm making progress in easing up the process for my own children when the time comes. In the process, I'm able to transfer some of what I'm hearing to my parents' situation. I'm also learning a few new things.

Here's the biggest thing I learned this week. Homestead exemption in Florida is not just about getting a break on one's real estate taxes each year. The Homestead exemption provides protection from creditors in all sorts of situations. Like... if I go into the hospital, an assisted living or into a skilled nursing facility, no one can come after my house. My heirs will still be able to inherit the house if it's been my primary residence and I have the Homestead exemption.


Of course there are some exceptions. If I don't pay my taxes, I can lose my house. If I mortgage my house, the mortgage holder can take back the house.

But homesteading protects my spouse and our heirs.

Florida's homestead exemption providing exemption from forced sale before and at death are among the most protective in the United States.

To probate or not to probate

After finally getting my Letters Testamentary a few months ago, I set about trying to claim all my parents' probate-able assets. I quickly inquired as to the two banks with accounts outside of the trust how to go about claiming the money. Both sent me forms to submit. I did that promptly, including everything they said they required. One bank told me to expect a check within 10 business days. The other told me it would probably take about 21 days.

About a month after I first submitted the forms, on the exact same day, I got two overstuffed envelopes from each of the banks. In both envelopes were the original copies of Letters Testamentary that I'd included as well as copies of the death certificates and my letters of instruction. Only one of the envelopes contained a check. The other envelope contained more forms - and information about how to claim trust assets from their bank.

Trust assets? No way! We'd checked several times earlier in the process to verify what assets were in the trust and what assets were out of the trust. Of course, when you call the bank, they won't speak to you unless you're the administrator. Without Letters Testamentary, you're nothing! But they did confirm ownership of the accounts. And there was no mention of "trust" at all.

After ranting a few minutes upon opening an envelope with more forms and no check, I noticed that their customer support phone line was available 24-hours a day. It was after 6pm when I'd gone to check the mail that day and I thought I'd have to wait until the following business day to figure out what was going on. Naturally, there was a long wait due to "unusually high call volume," and once I was connected with a rep who took all my pertinent information, I was transferred to another rep - i the trust department. Hey, what's going on here?!

I was told that the beneficiary to the account was the trust. "So does this mean that I didn't need to put this account through probate?" "I'm not sure, but probably." "Why couldn't someone tell me that before I probated the account?" "Due to privacy, we're not able to talk to anyone who doesn't have administration papers." "I couldn't get those papers until after everything had gone through probate." The rep got my frustration over the fact that I had wasted time putting an account through the probate system that didn't need it, but I don't think he realized that I'd also lost money since you have to pay for every dollar that goes through probate.

Today, while looking through old emails for something else, I came across an email with the subject line "Possible Probate Accounts." In this email, the first trust guy - who turned out to know next to nothing - stated that this account most definitely needed to go through probate. I haven't been able to find the answer I'm really looking for online... but AAACK! This whole thing frustrates me to death.

Because of the whole "splitting the trust" issue we're having, I still don't have the proper trust documentation to claim the funds from this account yet.

I want this done - yesterday. Or the day before.

It's that time again

Not too much has been happening to post about in the past few... gee, how long has it been since I posted here? Way too long. Way too long with not a whole lot going on. When I noticed that the time was 11:37 as I sent off my final email, I decided it was time to sit down and write about the small, relatively insignificant things that have been happening.

I'm still bogged down on getting required minimum distributions set up for the two inherited IRAs. Vanguard has been easy to work with. Fidelity, not so much so. In fact, they've been horrible. Each time I phone about my inherited IRA, I wait until the end to re-ask the question regarding my mom's IRA (who exactly has inherited it and where should the funds be going), at which point I'm so frustrated - and so is the person on the other end of the phone - that we get no where.

I had one of the attorneys apply for a tax ID number for The Estate of... so was able to set up an account for all those little piddly checks to go into. And now I wait for checks to come from the accounts outside the trust. Once I got the ball rolling on this, it was fairly easy.

But REMINDER - don't go to an estate planner to help you settle an estate. Go to an attorney, preferably the attorney who set up the estate in the first place, if at all possible, and some of this, like the EIN for the estate, can be done immediately. There's no reason to wait.

Anyway... spent many weeks trying to figure out the best way to file the NY State Estate Tax Returns. Now we wait and see what NY State has to say about all this. Because I had no clue, Mom's extension was filed without payment. I can't even remember if we made the same mistake with Dad's... or if we sent money with his extension. Or after the fact. But I still have work to do finalizing his return. NY State makes this all so confusing. NY is not the best place to die.

I've been doing my own estate planning over the several months. I'm still not at the point where I feel comfortable explaining what I know... so obviously I haven't mastered the material. BUT I seem to be more conversant with my Florida attorney about pour-over wills and inherited IRAs and splitting trusts so I must have picked up some level of knowledge. An interesting fact is that the legalese in my parents' documents seems far more confusing than in my own. Is that because I know what I'm trying to direct in my own - or has the language actually gotten simpler over the past 21 years since my parents set up their estates? (As an aside, or maybe it isn't even, while speaking to the New York attorney this morning, he made a comment about how much more straightforward individual trusts (like I'll soon have) than joint trusts, which is what I'm dealing with in my parents' case.)

I've done a far bit of mourning in the past month. In the Jewish official way, I ended my nearly 17 months of being a mourner on August 2nd. That was a tough weekend. The actual anniversary of my dad's death was much easier. I spent it on the beach, a place that holds so many memories of my time on earth with my parents. I was at a beach I'd never been to before... but for the first time in a long time, I was able to feel truly happy and at peace and not anxious or stressed about what I'm doing in my job as trustee or administrator or personal representative or executrix or whatever title I'm going by. And then I came home! <sigh> I hear the sea calling me back.

The power of words

Lesson learned today: I can sit and do crossword puzzles for hours.

Other than the crossword puzzles in TV Guide growing up, I was so not a crossword puzzle solver. My mom was always surprised by this. I loved books, I loved to read, I loved play on words, I loved words. Why would I not share her passion for the New York Times crossword puzzles? I did not.

During the few weeks I was in Brooklyn while my mother was in the hospital, I'd kill time by staring at the crossword puzzle, on the verge of tears because this was Mom's puzzle that was not being completed.

The day before my mom died, with a little bit of help from my brother, I finished the Monday puzzle in the Times. Even though my mom wasn't conscious, I walked in to her hospital room, excited to share the news with her that I'd completed a puzzle. I don't know how I know it, but I know that the message was received. I could feel her say, "I told you so!" Granted, in all the many months since, I'm mostly able to finish just the Monday, maybe Tuesday puzzle on my own. Only twice have I finished a puzzle later in the week. (They get more difficult as the week progresses.) I believe my mother left me the power of words.

Maybe once I finish my Monday and Tuesday books, I'll be ready for the Wednesday book.

Tick one thing off the list

Finally, something has happened. I'm still stressing over being unable to return the money that was overpaid to my dad's account by his annuity because the checking account is blocked and without knowing the tax ID number that "nefarious" trust/estate guy may or may not know, I can't write a check - the only form of payment they will take. (When I first questioned the trust/estate guy, he told me about all the different termination dates an annuity might have. But months after months after death... into a new year... for a fellow who died approaching 87... just did not jive with me.)

My positive news is that I did claim my share both of my dad's inherited IRAs.

IRAs are cool. They don't go through probate, even though they can't be part of a trust. They seemly get inherited by the listed beneficiaries. (Of course in the case of my mom's IRA, things weren't that simple. I think I've mentioned this at least once before. Dad was her primary beneficiary. He never went through the process of inheriting her IRA so when she died, it was unclaimed and became part of her previously non-existent "estate." She should have died with no assets requiring probate, but this IRA somehow slipped through. My dad kept telling us that we had plenty of time. We're still trying to work that one out.

IRAs are also interesting. Money goes into your IRA (Individual Retirement Account) before you've paid tax on it. And it can sit there and grow and grow. If you want to take out funds prior to being 59 1/2 years old, you pay a penalty - and tax on the money withdrawn. At 59 1/2, you can take out whatever you'd like but that's the time you pay the IRS the taxes on the amount you withdraw. You can take a little, you can take all, you can take nothing. At age 70 1/2, you are forced to start making withdrawals. The IRS uses actuarial numbers to determine the number of years they think you might live... and then they require your withdrawals to equal what they believe the end of your life will be in years. The amount you are required to take out annually is called your Minimum Required Distribution. You can always take your funds more rapidly at this point, but this is the absolute minimum you can take.

Then, when you die, your beneficiary or beneficiaries get your IRA as an inherited IRA. I'm not sure if minors are required to take MRDs but people the ages of my brother and I are forced to take out MRDs... based on our ages... and if taken in these minimally small amounts, the IRA should be expected to give us something (with taxes owed) each year for the rest of our lives. Interesting concept.

My dad had two IRAs. Somehow he missed the taking the distribution on one of the accounts. I know there's a penalty involved - unless we can persuade the IRS to waive it. Seriously, Dad had a lot going on in his life those last few months... but he took it on one of the accounts. One of the investment firms led me to believe that I needed to take out Dad's final MRD as I started up my inherited IRA account. Without any real guidance from anyone but the investment firm, that's what I did. And the check came yesterday. Will I have messed things up? I have no idea. But... going forward, that IRA is clearly now my inherited IRA and going forward, things should be much more straightforward.

Some might view this as a sideways step and not a step forward at all. But with the path the administration of this estate has taken, I'm viewing this as a positive thing.

Grief continues to hit me in waves. After a grief counseling session where I was reassured that what I'm feeling is normal and after a bereavement support group meeting, I know I'm not alone and that my grief has to run its course. Everyone's journey is different. And everyone has a story.

Where I've been

Lesson learned over the past few weeks: grief can hit - and hit hard - at any moment.

I haven't really been feeling myself the past few weeks. Nearly 11 months after my mom first had her stroke, it finally hit me that she's dead. She's gone. She's not coming back. And that's been hard to deal with.

Several have asked me if I think I was in denial all those months. My answer to them has been, "No." I held it together during my mother's hospitalization and her death because that's what I needed to do to get through it. The five weeks I was in New York at that time, I did what I needed to do, I did what was needed by my (then seemingly healthy) father. I knew that once I got home, the grief over my mom's death would hit hard.

But then I never really got home. I was in the house for only a few hours before I was rushing back to New York to be with father who over the few days I hadn't been with him lost the ability to walk. The next few months were all about my dad and seeing that he got the care that he needed.

Then he was hospitalized, I injured my knee, he died and I grieved. For the loss of my dad whom I'd spent so many quality moments with over the previous five and a half months. Again, I did what needed to be done. For my dad, for the family, for 1137. I thought I did what needed to be done for me, too. In retrospect, who knows.

I arrived home not quite six months after I'd left and I wasn't the same person. Not even close. I was relieved to be home. I was emotionally glad to be home. Physically, I was in great pain. And there was a big hole in my heart. I missed my parents. I was sad.

Weeks went by. My husband wanted to know when I'd go "back to normal." How does one even begin to do that? I had and still have no idea. I was floating along. I was sad not to be able to dive into my normal routines but my knee injury really kept me grounded and close to home. I felt disconnected from the friends I'd left behind just several months before. I felt like I didn't quite belong anywhere. My evening ritual of calling my mom left a gaping hole in my routine. That's when I most missed my mom. But she could have been on a cruise. She could have been anywhere. I missed her in the moment but it hadn't yet hit me that she was never coming back.

We went back to Brooklyn in October. I realized that I missed my parents a whole lot less while staying in their house, even if they weren't there. I made plans to be away for the few days before Thanksgiving, the few days that my parents would have normally been spending with us in Florida. I was sad. The holiday tradition wasn't there and I felt that loss.

I was home for a few weeks more and then it was time to go back up to Brooklyn. It felt odd celebrating latkes in my parents' house without them. Frying latkes in their frying pan on their stove. Lighting their menorah. Similar to how it was in October, I realized that I missed them a whole lot less while staying in their house.

When did I first realize that my mom wasn't coming back? It hit me like a ton of bricks when a question came up about my high school reunion. (The backstory to this is that my mom and I went to the same high school. She was president of the alumni association for the school for nearly 40 years. She had some helpers but she ran it almost singlehandedly with the help of my dad - who went to another high school.) A few questions had come up about the organizational aspects of planning a reunion. My first thought was that I wished I'd paid closer attention to my mom telling me tales about other classes planning their reunions. At that moment I really wished I could pick up the phone and talk to my mom. She had the answers to every single question my committee and I had. Off the top of her head. Requiring no thinking. Wait. Mom isn't a phone call away. Mom isn't here. Mom is dead.

And that's when it started. The littlest things made me cry. The process of settling the estate which was godawful to begin with became a mountain I couldn't climb. A cutting remark made by my daughter made me fall apart rather than simply angering me. I wasn't able to deal with any of life's setbacks. I don't know about your life, but my life has many setbacks. On a daily basis. My husband, who was still waiting for me to "return to normal" had no idea what to do with me. He didn't understand my kind of grief and why it appeared (to him) out of nowhere.

I learned that I need help. Today I am off to my first session with a grief counselor.

Deeply personal lessons learned

It might seem like I haven't learned too much about trusts and estates in the past week. Which is probably true. But it's more because my head is ready to explode with all the little things I'm figuring out that still need to be learned and/or ironed out. Just when I think I have a handle on something, like... handling the claims forms for death benefits from the Teachers' Retirement System, I learn that there's a glitch. In this case it's a glitch that's come up before. Because my dad never filed a claim for Mom's benefit, because "we have time," it's become a much larger and involved process than it should be. I'm a sequential kind of gal. I need to do things in order. I like a list. I like to check things off on my list. And with the simultaneous settling of two estates, that just doesn't seem possible.

I'm trying to come to terms with the mess that my dad left me. Us. Me as executor and trustee. Me.  I'm learning about many of the mistakes he made in his estate planning... and praying that I don't make the same mistakes. This is very difficult for me to do. My dad was a rock for me most of my growing up years. But he was human, no infallible and many mistakes were made. Many of which I hope not to mistake when I start my own estate planning.

I started quaking in my boots last night, watching The State of the Union Address, as President Obama talked about changing tax rules for inheritance. If you have someone plan out a trust for you to maximize the benefits that your beneficiaries will get, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, make sure that you review the current tax laws each year to see what changes need to be made to your trusts. While you're alive, they are revocable - and easily amended. Keep things current. Huge lesson learned.

Another lesson that I learned during the months I spent in New York. It is so important to have a hobby to clear your mind. It's also really nice to have a hobby that you can do on your own, something solitary, that can be shared with other people. Just two months before I got that "fatal" phone call from my dad, telling me that my mom had a stroke, I signed up for a photo challenge. You can see the details at Fat Mum Slim. It's a personal challenge, not a competition. I've really noticed that my photos have improved a lot since signing up for the challenge. I now take at least one photo per day from a prompt. And because I need to think before I photograph, I've become more thoughtful. And I've noticed things around me that I would not have otherwise seen. It was something fun to share with my family as we sat vigil by my mother's bedside. It gave me an excuse to go for a walk while sitting by my father's hospital bed. And once my father was in the nursing home, it gave us a chance to share adventures together on the days he was up for it. When he wasn't up for going out, he'd give me ideas on what to photograph and then we might make the selection for what I'd share with the group together. Which is the second great thing about this hobby. I can take the photos on my own (solitary hobby) but I have not one but several places to share my hobby and to keep me connected with others. I post my daily picture each day to my Facebook wall, to the FMS PAD group on Facebook and with the hashtag #fmsphotoaday on Instagram. Photo a Day was a lifesaver while up in New York and now it's a great thing for me to turn to when I don't feel like dealing with the ickier side of life.

Now to clear my head and get back to my camera...