Another life lesson

Today's lesson: It's probably more of a reminder. I'm just not me. And when people tell me that I'm not me, I get teary and don't know where to go with it.

The other day my husband said he couldn't wait until I got back to normal. I thought he was referring to my knee, which I injured when my dad was in the hospital in August. No. He meant back to normal in life, to be the person I was before my mom got ill, before my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Before I dealt with the death of both parents in under 5 months. The me who I was before I became executrix and took over the trust. That me. I'm trying to figure out how I can return to that me. I'm just not sure.

This afternoon I got two very lengthy texts from my baby girl (who is 23 years old, lives almost clear across the continent and is anything like a baby). She told me she wished we were closer, even though she did move so far away. She's coming to visit next month, and she hopes we can have a great time. I hope we have a great time, too. It will be the 3rd time I've seen her since she moved across the country. The first two times were visits involving hospital rooms and cemeteries and bagels. We need to have a happier visit. I couldn't agree more. She told me she's grown into this totally awesome person since she moved away and she wants me to get to know that person. I hope that can happen.

I can't seem to communicate with my loved ones about what I need them to do to help me move back towards me again. I start talking about these things with them, these very deep feelings, and I'm brought to tears. Whether it's in person with my husband or on the telephone with one of my kids, I simply can't communicate what I need. Maybe if I knew what I needed, I'd be able to communicate better.

I'm still stressing about the extensions that needs to be filed with the IRS for my mom's estate tax return (is she really gone nearly 9 months?) and to try to eliminate the need to pay penalties because Mom never took her required minimum distribution from her IRA for 2013, due on December 31, 2014. Why haven't I heard from the accountant yet? Why can't my issues be top priority for everyone else the way they are for me? This is anything but normal. I don't want to live this way.

So what did I learn today? Just that I have a lot more to learn. About me. About normal. About me getting back to normal.